Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
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This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Schrödinger’s cookie
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.