Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.