Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
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Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.