“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
You Might Also Like
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.