I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
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I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Just so funny
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Every work meeting this week
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.