Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
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bugs when you lift up a rock
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”