The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
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That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer