This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
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NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling