So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
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Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
My inexpensive home security system…
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?