When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
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You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
こいつ天才
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.