all bases covered
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?