It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
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Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
oh you like architecture? name three walls
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.