Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
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so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
This meal prepping shit easy
I’m literally crying
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…