Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
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Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined