I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
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During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
2022: I can fix it
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
that colleague who touches your screen
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.