wishing you and yours all the best
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“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”