Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
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At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
best review i’ve ever seen
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow