My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
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I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
how to market bottled water to dads
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
#Caturday
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.