I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
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4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Lol
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit