HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
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Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.