Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Job interviewer: so what鈥檚 your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 馃槀
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
All generalizations are stupid.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES