I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
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You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
THE AUDACITY. 😤
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work