HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
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M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
need him
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
this isn’t threatening at all
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Still cracks me up
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled