I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
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her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.