someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
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Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
I am also baked goods
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?