The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
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Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“HELP WITH CAT”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy