I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
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When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better