I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
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Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Barbie gone wild
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Always the camel, never the toe.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.