My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
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Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”