I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
You Might Also Like
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
just pretend nothing happened
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.