When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
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Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
When he asks for feet pics
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
#ProTip
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
The French word for sex is croissant.