I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
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H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
August 8
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.