I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
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Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.