Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
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Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Holy moly
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.