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I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.