if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
You Might Also Like
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
This kid will have a bright future.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Chicago sounds lovely.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.