Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
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grotesque if literal: baby food
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Challenge accepted.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos