Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.