[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
You Might Also Like
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.