I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management