Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
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Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.