Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
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So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Boom, boom, ching!
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.