[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
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“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas