Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
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“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me: