Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
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I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
March 16
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.