Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
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Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I love snow
– People who never shovel
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!