I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.