In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…