the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
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I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
This is true.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I love art.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God