“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
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Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.